She Texted Me About a Dress

She texted me about a dress

She texted me at 5:26

I replied at 7:22, rejected.

I didn’t cry but I could feel my disappointment clenched chest.

I felt my mother’s eyes on me as I coldly recalled for her the results.

I cut off every word of comfort she tried to offer me

My words scissors as I sliced through every sentence, every condolence she tried to offer before its end.

Her words, tissues for her distressed child gave me paper cuts 

They tried to dispel my gathering blackness, my negativity, my desire to be alone

Saying that they were disappointed too

What right did they have to say that?!

For once in my life can’t I be selfish and have my feelings be mine alone?!

As if they truly felt what I was feeling

AS IF THEY TOO FELT DISAPPOINTED IN THEMSELVES

The phones rang, and the were texts coming in

They wanted to know

Had I gotten in? Have I lived up to their expectations?

IGNORE. IGNORE. IGNORE.

I want to be alone.

You have no need to see my shame

I staggered under the weight of their expectations 

“She’s going to get in.”

“Text me when you get your acceptance.”

“You’re one of our school’s best”

Part of me believed it.

The pedestal I stood upon, the one I thought lifted me high enough is BROKEN.

I believed that I would reach my hand out as far as possible

I believed I could grasp the item at the top of the shelf!

I stood on my toes and stretched with all my might,

But I reach only to find that my arm is SHORT

For the love of God, STOP CALLING ME! 

I FELL SHORT, I DID NOT MAKE IT!

THEY DIDN’T ACCEPT ME

….She texted me about a dress

Amongst the drama about STUPID acceptances

She texted me about a dress

Comrades, home girls, buddies, pals

In that moment I was thankful for the “sisters” I had chosen

For in that moment, one of them

Texted me about a dress

This poem…or prose, I’m honestly not sure which one it is, I want to dedicate to my best friend, Tamara. I wrote this piece in memory of April of 2018, College Decision Day. When I was applying to colleges, I applied to five Ivy Leagues: Brown, Princeton, Columbia, Harvard, and UPenn. I got rejected by all of them. While I’m happy with the school I ended up attending, when I got the five rejection letters, I was crushed. Everyone else who was calling/texting me that evening was asking about college acceptance letters, but she had…texted me about a dress. The level of relief that one text gave me that night… I will forever be grateful for it.