From Monochrome to Vibrancy With Commentary Chapter 1: My Wish

“Reflective thinking turns experience into insight.” John C. Maxwell

Hello readers! I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I was thinking of going back to one of my older, unfinished works and doing commentary on it. Well, here it is. I’ve decided to take my story “From Monochrome to Vibrancy” and reflect a bit on it. I want to see how my writing has changed since I was a teen and what I would do differently. My posts for the next two weeks or so will be a mix of commentaries, profiles, and story ideas from the story.

I started writing “From Monochrome to Vibrancy” in 2016 when I was about 15. At the time, the story-sharing website/app Wattpad was incredibly popular amongst the students in my school. Over the course of 2 years, I posted 8 chapters of Monochrome to the website and left 1 chapter unpublished in my Google Docs. I ultimately stopped writing the novel because I was busy with school. I still find the ideas I had for the novel fascinating, so I hope I can actually complete it one day.

I might create an audio version of this if others think it’s a better format. (One thing that I’ve learned from this exercise is the importance of proofreading) Comments are on the left in red.

My Wish

“I want to grant you a wish.”

1Arcene sat on the floor before the mysterious boy that stood before her. This wasn’t the first time the boy had been in her room. He had appeared one day late at night outside her window and had been visiting her every night since.

The boy seemed almost unreal. His skin and hair were unnaturally pale and he glowed with an ethereal light. His eyes were an electric blue and sparkled like stars. When she opened her window on the night she met him, he floated into her room as if gravity didn’t apply to him. She would have thought he was a dream had he not taken her hand when she questioned this.

She grasped her left hand right now as she sat amidst the darkness of her room. When he touched her, his hand had been surprisingly warm. The warmth at first frightened her. Some strange older boy had floated into her room after all, but now she found his presence comforting.

“What do you mean?” the girl asked.

“You know what I mean. Do you remember what I told you I was?” he asked.

“A Star,” she replied. When he had told her, she didn’t quite believe him. Stars were big bright balls of gas that were gazillions of miles away in space. However, she did believe that there was something supernatural about this boy.

“Half right. I’m a Wishing Star. The kind that you see up in the sky and make a wish on! And this wonderful Wishing Star here has decided to make YOU his next customer!” he said, pointing at the girl.

“But I don’t want anything.”

The boy frowned and sat on the floor in front of her. “Are sure about that?” he asked in a quiet voice, leaning closer. “Everyone needs or wants something. I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. In the weeks that I’ve known you, I now KNOW there’s something you want, something you may even NEED. So please,” the boy’s voice softened,”let me help you.”

The girl blushed and looked away. This was the first time she had received so much attention or concern from a male let alone one older than her. Then again, she didn’t usually get much attention from anyone period.

“Okay, I’ll make a wish.”

2The boy sat back with a smile. “Ask me for anything, and I will do everything in my power to make it so. Your wish is my command.” The boy frowned. “But….be careful what you wish for,” he advised. “I can’t say that all the wishes I’ve granted had happy endings. Some of them have backfired while others weren’t satisfied even when they got what they wanted. Some have time limits. Some wishes need effort put into them for the best results. That said, choose your wish wisely.”

“Hm…What should I wish for?” asked the girl to the wishing star.

“You’re honestly asking this?” he asked quizzically.

“What? I don’t know what I should wish for I don’t need or want anything!”

“Do you honestly believe that or is that just what you want to believe?” he asked harshly.

The girl once again looked away. It was the truth, even if she didn’t want to admit it. The boy sighed. She could delude herself all she wanted ,but he’d been watching her, even in the day time.

“I’m sorry for being so harsh, but the best way I can help you, is if you make the right wish. I’m your friend. I don’t think you should keep living like this. So please, think long and hard about it. For your own sake, you need to decide your wish ALONE.”

So the girl sat in silence. She thought long and hard about her life, until she settled on what to wish for. The wishing star listened to her wish intently.

The boy nodded. “It’s not the best thing you could have asked for but…I can do that. Just need a bit of time. Anyway,” the boy got up, took off his fedora, and gave the girl a deep bow, “consider your wish, granted.”

The wishing star opened her windows wide and stepped onto the ledge, ready to leap off. Before doing so, he turned to his friend “You may not be seeing me in awhile.”

“You’re going to search for them again?” asked the girl.

“Yeah, they’ve got to be out there somewhere after all….But don’t worry, I won’t forget about your wish,” he said with a wink. “See ya, Silver Eyes,” he said with a salute.

“Yeah….see ya….” she replied sadly.

He looked at her for a moment, before stepping off the ledge and wrapping her in a warm embrace. He whispered in her ear. “Hey, don’t worry, Silver Eyes. I may be gone for awhile but, I’m coming right back. And when I do we’ll hang out and talk and a whole bunch of other fun things. I’m not going to forget about you, ‘kay?”

3She buried her face in his chest and nodded. They then withdrew from each other, and with a wave, she watched as he flew into the night sky.

………………..

RING RING RING!

Arcene slammed her hand onto the alarm clock. Her arm slid down from her bedside table and rested on her bed. After a few seconds she finally mustered enough energy to sit up. Sunlight streamed into the light gray bedroom through its large windows. Arcene rubbed her eyes before looking around her room. It was a simple one, didn’t really have anything unique about it. It had a twin bed with a dull blue covering, a small table, rolling chair, bookshelf, a chest of drawers, and a small closet. It had very little decoration; it’s walls were barren and there were very little objects to adorn it. All in all it was quite plain. Quite the opposite of her siblings’ rooms.

When Arcene had regained her wits she slid out of bed and slowly made her way to the bathroom. Just as she was about to enter, someone shoved her out of the way.

“Out of the way Arcene! You know I have first dibs!”

Arcene watched as her older sister, Calista go into the bathroom. Arcene knew that there was no point in making a fuss and sat by the door, patiently waiting for her sister to come out. In a few minutes, Calista came out4. Arcene watched as her sister left the bathroom. 5She silently admired her perfectly smooth caramel skin, her long, neat, straight, dark brown hair, Brown eyes, and her hourglass figure. She and her sister were only a little more than a year apart, but Calista already looked like a model. Arcene already knew that just like last year, all the boys in her grade would be in love with Calista, just as all the boys in the older grades were.

6Speaking of school‘…thought Arcene ‘Today’s my first day of high school’

That certainly explained why she had gotten up so early. When she woke up that morning, all she had remembered was that there was something important happening that day.

I’d better get ready‘ she thought.

She and stepped toward the door only to be shoved to the side once again.

“You’re going to make me late, Arcene!”

Arcene turned to see her younger sister, Oralie sprint into the bathroom.

Arcene sighed and resumed her sitting position until her younger sister came out as well. 7As her sister walked out, Arcene took a moment to look at her sister’s slim and slightly muscular physique. Oralie’s hair was long and straight. Oddly, she had born with golden hair, despite her caramel skin. Like Calista, she had brown eyes. Arcene’s sister was only in 7th grade ,but it was evident that she would be just as much of a looker as their older sister.

Oralie turned and looked at Arcene with a scowl. “Are you trying to pick a fight with me? Put on your contacts!” She snapped

Oralie then strutted to her room and closed the door behind her.

Seeing that there was nobody else to shove her away from the bathroom, she finally entered. She brushed her teeth and washed her face. She dried her face before looking at herself in the mirror.

8She stared intensely at her own reflection. She pulled at her curly brown hair. In it’s natural state, it reached the base of her neck. If she straightened it, it would probably reach past her shoulders. As her parents wouldn’t allow that, Arcene was left curly haired and envious of her sisters’ naturally straight hair.

She touched her skin. Unlike her sisters’ it wasn’t smooth and blemishless. She was breaking out in two different places. It wasn’t unusual for someone of her age ,but that didn’t mean she had to be happy about it.

Her nose and lips were both medium sized, neither leaning to one extreme or the other.

She inspected her body. She lifted up her t shirt to get a better look. 9Low hip to waist ratio and a B cup size, nothing to be particularly excited about.

Finally she looked at her eyes and a grimace slowly began to form on her face.

She hated them.

Or at least she tried to.

Her sisters didn’t like them and her parents had taught her not to displease her sisters. But there was someone who liked them.

Dinari….’ she thought to herself. She stared at her reflection for a moment before shaking her head and putting in her contacts. She took two grey pins and fixed her hair. Finally she took one last look in the mirror.

10Neither ugly nor pretty…Always average’

She returned to her room and to her room and took her new uniform out of her closet. She buttoned up her white dress shirt, pulled up her predominately red plaid skirt, tied her bow tie, and slipped on her socks and dress shoes. Deciding that it was too warm for the blazer, she opted for the more bearable beige sweater vest.

She walked downstairs to the dining table. Her sisters were already there in their school uniforms and eating at the table. Their mother could be heard in the kitchen. Arcene sat down at the table. The tv in the living room was on and her sisters were watching it intently. Arcene didn’t pay it much attention ,but it was the local news, something about a pop star coming to town. Arcene never really cared about the lives of the rich and famous. She looked down at her food. On her plate were slightly burnt pancakes, scrambled eggs, and slightly burnt bacon.

She glanced at her sisters’ meals. She wasn’t surprised to see that hers was the only one that was burnt. 11Her sisters were better than her after all, so it made sense that they got the better food. She ate her food and carried her dishes to the sink. She looked at her mother who was busy on the phone. Her long dark brown hair was pulled into a tight bun and she was dressed in a feminine business outfit. She looked both professional and beautiful.

Her mother looked at her from above the rims of her glasses. Arcene nodded her head and silently began washing the dishes. She heard the sound of the stairs creaking.

“Morning girls.”

“Morning.”

“Morning.”

Arcene’s father walked into the kitchen and kissed his wife on the cheek. He turned to Arcene and nodded to her. Arcene silently nodded in return before resuming washing the dishes.

12Her dad was tall, dark, and handsome in every sense of those words and like his wife, he was a highly paid businessman.

When the rest of her family finished eating, Arcene was waiting to wash their dishes too.

When her task was done, she picked up her school bag and made her way to the front door. Her sisters were already on their way out. The three walked through the door into the front yard. Groups of kids could already be seen outside of the front gate, making their way to school.

As the sisters stepped out of the yard, Oralie and Calista were quickly met by their friends and went off ahead of Arcene.

Arcene let out a small sigh and began her walk to school, alone. Just as she had done in previous years and will probably do in the future. Well, there was at least one pro to walking alone. It gave her mid to think.

But that’s not always a good thing, isn’t it?’ She thought.

Hers thoughts wandered to her friend Dinari. She hadn’t seen him since July and it was now September. It had been quite lonely without him around. His visits had given her something to look forward to during the summer. Over the break she had spent most of her time home alone. Her parents had been out with her sisters a lot that year. Between work and her sisters’ competitions and performances, her parents were very busy.

It would’ve been fun to go out with Dinari. Maybe he would have taken me to Coney Island again or maybe we’d just stay in like we would usually do and he’d tell me stories of all his travels.’

Her heart warmed at the pleasant memories. She couldn’t wait until he got back.

I hope he finds his family…’ she thought.

Ah yes, she remembered. A hundred wishing stars and suddenly they all go missing, leaving her dear friend all alone. She sincerely hoped he came back with good news about them.

He must feel quite lonely being the only one of his race’

She joined the flow of the crowd as they walked through the gates of her school. As she walked, she looked up at the towering buildings around her. There she was, 13Bertram’s Academy. It was a prestigious school. It had state of the art facilities and was one of the best school’s in the state, maybe even the nation. Many apply ,but only a few get in. Most get in because they are special/talented in some way. It was the perfect place for Arcene’s sister Calista and eventually, Oralie. But then there was……Arcene.

In all honesty, the only reason Arcene was there was because she happened to be related to her sisters. After all, if the other Greys were so great, wouldn’t the middle child be great as well?

Well, truth be told, she would be average at best.

Arcene walked into the main building. The main space was had 1426 tables lined up, each with a letter on it. Arcene made her way to the G table and joined the queue for IDs and schedules. After obtaining hers, she followed the flow of the crowd to the auditorium. She took her seat, and surrounded by 15two thousand other students, she listened to the principal welcome everyone to the school. Then came the class president and then they were dismissed.

As Arcene got up to leave, she struggled to find excitement or at least some nervousness for the new school year. She was fourteen and in high school now, a whole new stage of life!…..But all she felt was indifference. Of she would be learning new material ,but all in all her life wouldn’t change from last year. She still had the same family and the same role in it. She would have the same grades as last year. 16Many of her classmates would be the same people too. And just like last year, she would blend into the background and go at it alone.

Perhaps she should have felt some dismay or anger at this, but she had learned a long time ago not to complain. It was a lot easier just to take what you were given, even if you didn’t like it. Being sad hurt, getting angry caused trouble, and putting on a smile was too much effort.

She strode out of the Main Building to Building 2. After getting her school ID checked in the front she made her way to the second floor.

What about your wish?’

Arcene paused and tilted her head to the side. ‘Wish? Where did that come from?’ she wondered.

As people passed her by in the hallway, Arcene was suddenly overcome with the feeling that she had forgotten something. She looked at the lone decoration on her dull grey backpack, a yellow star charm.

That’s right. A few months ago I made a wish….’

She approached the room labeled 101 and put her hand on the door knob.

But what was the wish I made?’ she continued to wonder to herself.

She pulled the door open and took a step inside.

That’s right‘ she thought.

17‘I didn’t want to be average anymore I wanted to be someone special.’

1. Arcene is a French name that means “silvery”. You’ll notice with many of the other characters that I like to use meaningful names. Which I still like to do.











































2. I wish I wrote his explanation and warnings better.





















































3. I only mention Arcene’s name once at the beginning of this part, which makes me think I wanted it to be a bit of a mystery who the Star is talking to. I should have removed her name to keep that feeling.





















4. Change to “opened the door”

5. I’m not sure if giving full physical descriptions of her sisters  in this part was the best choice.





6. Probably would have introduced her thoughts while she was still in her room to make it feel more natural.









7. If I rewrote the story today, I’d probably age up Oralie and make her a boy with dyed hair. In the US, there’s sort of this expectation that once you have both a boy and a girl, you don’t need anymore kids. Making Arcene the youngest would make her more of the “extra”. I initially planned for Calista to be a gymnastics prodigy but it would probably be a different sport now.





8. I didn’t know this at the time, but having the   main character describe their looks in a mirror is actually really cliche.









9. I know what I was going for here but I don’t think most people would phrase it like this.













10. I wanted to emphasize her being an “average girl” but I think I could have definitely done it better.

















11. Too on the nose? I wanted Arcene to have a toxic home life but I was always worried that it was too cartoonish.

















12. I’ve always been iffy on making both of Arcene’s parents busy career people or making the mom be a housewife/have a less time-consuming job so that she could be a tiger mom who can micromanage Arcene’s siblings.







































13. I want to rename the academy.















14. This is impractical.



15. I should make this number smaller. That’s more like a college campus. I should also remove the class president part.







16. One problem I had writing this is separating things that are particular to public schools and things that would be particular to private schools. Probably because I went to a charter school. Did Arcene go to a private or public middle school? The answer changes the context of her life.



















17. I’d probably change her wish to “Change my life” or something. This feels rather immature reading this now.

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